DPR Gives Keynote Address for Conference on Death and Dying
A Report on Nalanda West's First Ecumenical Conference
'Spiritual Perspectives on Dying Well, Caregiving and Healing Grief'
by Dr. Andrew Holecek

Watch video of DPR's Keynote Address

DPR giving keynote address

Death is a forbidden topic in the Western world. We deny it, repress it and flee from it. As historian Arnold Toynbee said, "Death is un-American." Because of this uncomfortable relationship, most of us are ill prepared to look into the face of death when it arrives, and therefore we miss one of the greatest opportunities of life.

In August 2006, Nalanda West held its first ecumenical conference on death and dying in an effort to remedy our relationship to this unwanted, but inevitable, aspect of life. More than a hundred participants gathered from across North America to listen to gifted scholars, religious leaders and caregivers who presented a rain of wisdom on this challenging topic. Rabbi Ted Falcon, an extraordinary scholar and mystic, told us that in the Jewish tradition the soul is most open in tears and laughter, and the conference was frequently embraced with these experiences.

Lee Worley, a senior teacher of Mudra Space Awareness and founder of Naropa University's theatre studies program, set the contemplative spirit of the four-day event by reminding us that "contemplation" comes from roots denoting "with space." Each subsequent speaker then offered their own contemplations on death-related topics, creating an atmosphere where profound teachings and experiences could be shared and explored.

	Panelists Rabbi Ted Falcon, Jamal Rahman, Reverend Marilyn Kallshian and Judith Simmer-Brown.

The first two days unpacked the topic of dying well. In his keynote address, The Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche set a theme echoed throughout the event: in order to die well we must learn how to live well. And to live well we have to die every day. Rinpoche said that death is not a mystery at the end of life, but a process of change in daily life. The fear of death is therefore a fear of change. Life and death are not separate. By learning how to die in each moment, we discover that within impermanence there is renewal, freshness and constant rebirth. With this view the mind becomes more spacious and more open to the inevitable changes-the deaths-that accompany any life.

Reverend Marilyn Kallshian presented a Christian perspective and taught that love is greater than death. She reminded participants that to die well is to die feeling that one's life was rich and well lived. Marilyn said that, when helping others to die, we shouldn't worry about saying anything wise at the bedside. "Your greatest gift is your presence." "Grief," she said, "is a pure expression of love and should never be avoided."

The afternoon closed with a personal journeys panel: Rosemary Bakker (speaking on behalf of her husband Jonathan), Anna-Brown Griswold, and Debra Jarvis shared moving personal accounts of facing terminal disease and how to deal with it. The evening offered a Christian monastic death ritual, accompanied by Gregorian chanting and harp music.

Judith Simmer-Brown, Professor of Religious Studies at Naropa University, opened the second day by speaking about how to work with suffering and the power of compassion. Suffering, or dukha in Sanskrit, is like a wheel with its axle off center. Happiness, or sukha, is when the wheel of life is properly centered. Judith explained that meditation opens us up to the bumpy ride of the present moment and points out the way to proper alignment. To transform dukha into sukha, we must center ourselves in nowness and embrace the reality of suffering.

Rabbi Ted Falcon then spoke about dying well from the Jewish perspective and said that what interested him was not life after death, but life after birth. To die well we need to have the courage to be fully alive-and fully ourselves. His concern was the possibility of arriving at the moment of death and feeling the pang of regret: "Why was I not Ted Falcon? Why was I always trying to be someone else or somewhere else?"

Jamal Rahman, a brilliant Sufi Muslim, presented the Islamic view. He exhorted us to die before we die, to transcend our false sense of self and surrender to peace, to God-the very definition of "Islam." Reside in the mystery and transform your wrongdoing (nafs) with awareness (ilm). Know yourself and you will know God. With interjections of both humor, like "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall never be bent out of shape" (Jamal), and wisdom, "We institutionalize ourselves as a way to preserve a truth" (Ted), Jamal and Ted captured participants' hearts and expanded minds.

After a panel discussion with these esteemed representatives of four major religions, the evening closed with a walking meditation through a labyrinth.

The third day addressed the theme of caregiving. Mark Power, a chaplain and palliative care consultant, presented the essence of spiritual care: compassionate presence. "We have to welcome and embrace ambiguity," Mark said, echoing Rumi's teaching to "sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." Rosemary Bakker, interior designer and gerentologist, spoke about the power of environment in caregiving, expanding on a theme that Ponlop Rinpoche had presented earlier: the most important thing we can do to help someone die is create the proper environment. Rosemary demonstrated how this teaching describes both the spiritual and physical environments.

In the afternoon, professional caregivers Trudy James, Ellen Zahlis and Dr. Ann Cutcher shared their insights into how to care for the dying. When asked about possible blind spots in contemplative end-of-life care, Ellen said that not everyone wants to die in a contemplative way. We should not impose our version of a good death. Trudy and Ann emphasized the importance of listening-with our whole being-in order to provide proper care for the dying. From medicine to meditation, the spectrum of care was discussed with the audience.

The final theme was healing grief and the last day of the conference began with a powerful presentation by grief counselor Rex Allen. Rex said that, while death may end a life, it does not end a relationship. Grief is an instinctual response to loss, and it must be honored if we are to transform grief into growth. We need to fully embrace and integrate loss, for only in that process can we find wholeness in the presence of loss.

Writers Kristen Spexarth, Debra Jarvis and Rabbi Ted Falcon then joined moderator Beth Patterson on a panel to discuss writing as a therapeutic tool in the work of grief. Stephen Levine has written, "What is often called tragedy holds the seeds of grace," and the panel showed how writing can be a way to bring about that grace.

The conference closed with a multi-faith memorial service, where Buddhist, Christian, Jewish and Islamic offerings were presented. This inaugural event demonstrated that disparate traditions can unite to share thousands of years of collective wisdom, and shed light onto the darkness of a destiny that awaits every sentient being. We can learn how to die a good death and in so doing discover the magic behind living a good life.

Dr. Andrew Holecek was part of the organizing team for this conference and acted as its principal moderator. He is on the faculty of the Ngedon School of Buddhist Studies, has completed the traditional three-year retreat, and is founder of the Death College, a venue for the practice and study of death and dying from the Tibetan perspective.

Photos by Rysiek Frackiewicz.

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